Looking back into my life I can see how I was miserable for so long, how my raising affected me so much that left a profound crack in my life. I spent many years of my life blaming my dad, my mom, life, God, everyone around me for my misfortune and for all I had to endure, I did not have an easy life, instead mine was full of awful situations, from violence to drugs to deep psychological scars that have lasted forever.
Of course, my circumstances led the way my behavior would be measured, that means, I was a victim and left my circumstances empower me to become one poor-self, I had let my misery take over and dictate the road ahead, I followed it for a long long time, hoping something would come and save me, that my path would miraculously change for the better with no sense of responsibility or accountability, I was entitled to my retribution, someone or something had to pay for what life put me through.
Little did I know that my life was based on my emotions, on my negativity, the one I had chosen to build my life and revolve around, I was bitter, I was full of resentment, I wasn´t able to let go, move on, change my situations, let alone see the good things happening, for they were there, real, tangible, they were like a drizzle on my face, your face reaction may be of discomfort, but then gradually you start feeling some sort of relief and calm which allows you to enjoy the rest of the rain.
It took me a very long time to realize I was living in misery because I chose to, not because someone or something had forced me, little by little something started to awake a sense of ownership, I began to understand that such sensations, feelings, ideas, behaviors were the ones holding me down, it was up to me to choose whether to continue falling further down into the misery pit or to get back on my feet and face life once and for all.
It’s been a very long journey, hard, difficult, with so much pain, discomfort, but once I realized that it was only me the one responsible for my own joy, peace, happiness and growth, life has made a turn for the better, easy? Hell no! hard! But rewarding, I have learned to identify what bothers me, what makes me uneasy, what brings me to the edge, those emotions that used to rule my world, I have learned not only to see, identify, pinpoint them, but to make a pause, to think about the cause of that which is bugging me, I wonder if there’s something I can do to change it, I thinks carefully about the real reason, and possible solutions. I take responsibility for whatever actions I can take to change my present and go for it, if it’s out of my control, or my influence then I let go, again, it’s not easy, sometimes I get to ruminate the same thought, but whenever I find myself doing so, I make a conscious effort to change it to a “profitable” idea and I can stop wasting my time and energy on things I can’ and won’t ever control.
My learning is based on identifying my emotions, managing what and why they make me feel about things, discarding what is not specifically under my circle of influence or action, I have learned to let go of the past, to overcome the thought of entitlement, no one owes me shit! Not life, not my family, I have gained responsibility for my actions and its consequence, and most importantly I made peace with my past, it’s where it is supposed to be, it is gone and there’s absolutely nothing I can do either to change it or impact it. I focus on today, on my actions, on the things I can deal with, I hate the word CONTROL, but yeah! I can only put my best on those things that are under my control, I learned to look at the bright side of life, there’s always a silver lining, it only takes courage to see it, and yes! I must say I have a wonderful life!
